Partner Conflict and Parenting: An Uncomfortable Intersection
When you are in a state of conflict with your partner, you may wonder how it is affecting your children. What is healthy conflict when you have children? Should you fight in front of them? Or should you never fight in front of them? Parental conflict can have a big impact on children, in either case.
As a therapist, I have observed that there are negative consequences, on both ends of the spectrum. Knowing how to balance conflict between partners can seem like a balancing act that can crumble at any second. But, it is possible to learn how to balance the overall needs within your relationship and for your children.
Heated Arguments Can Leave Children Confused
When there are bitter and escalated arguments, a child may feel uncertain, fearful, or emotionally unregulated. In the heat of the moment, it is common to throw around words or insults that you may not necessarily mean. For a child, this can be confusing because they don’t quite understand that the words you are saying aren’t completely grounded in the truth.
If conflict in your home sounds like this, you may want to consider keeping them private. With your partner, agree to disagree and pick the argument up when the kids are not around. It gives you both space to cool off while simultaneously ensuring that the young ones in your house are not affected by it.
No Conflict Can Misrepresent Life And How To Handle It
You must be thinking, “Well if we shouldn’t argue in front of the children, then it’s best to avoid conflict all together,” right?
Well, actually, not quite.
On the other end of the spectrum, if parents decide to not have conflict in front of their children, it can still do a disservice to the child. Why? Because the child could grow into an adult who is highly conflict averse and believes that conflict will signal doom for the relationship.
If you find that you are constantly going away from the child to have a heated argument, this isn’t ideal either.
So…What’s The End Goal Here?
You are probably thinking, “Well what can we even do then? We can’t argue in front of them, we can’t argue away from them, what gives?”
There is another way. First, let’s acknowledge that conflict in a relationship is normal. You don’t have to paint a portrait through rose-colored glasses for your children. That’s not the point.
Conflict is healthy and typically means that you care enough about your partner, the relationship, and yourself. That you want your needs, their needs, and the relationship itself, to be met with success. However, very few of us know how to have healthy conflict. This puts us in a dilemma, because we need to disagree but we don’t exactly know how to.
Counseling Can Help You Learn Better Communication Skills
One of the best ways to ensure that conflict is healthy in your home is by working with a couples therapist in marriage counseling.
Going to therapy together can help you see the situation at hand in a different light. Not only for whatever you are going through now, but in the future, as well. The ideal situation here is for you and your partner to learn how to have healthy, emotionally regulated, and productive conflict that is a dialogue rather than a fight. Too often, we don’t know how to express what we are truly trying to say in a way that is communicative.
By learning how to successfully communicate with one another, you are going to set a positive example for your children. It will teach them how to be respectful, grounded, and directional in a case of argument, setting them up for a healthier future in their relationships and friendships.
If you are ready to learn how to effectively communicate and reduce conflict in a healthy way, contact me to get started with couples therapy.
