Taking Responsibility for Your Wounds in a Relationship
Relationships can be challenging. Does your partner do something that brings out intense feelings of frustration, resentment, or irritation when in conflict? How do you react to this? And would you react the same way if this was a friend or family member?
Relationships are often our safe spaces, but they can often be the most challenging ones. Terry Real says that we should never talk to our partner in a way we wouldn’t speak to another adult. While this is true, this knowledge is often not enough. So, what takes emotions and conflicts to the boiling point?
Our Personal Pain And Triggers
We can inadvertently be triggered by our significant other. Say your partner never closes the kitchen cabinets. But, you value tidiness and order. When you see the cabinet doors open, you feel slighted and hurt.
Try breaking down your reaction process into tiny steps. Do you feel annoyed? Are you thinking, “They are such a slob,” or ” they don’t care about what I want.” What feelings arise? Do you feel dismissed or undervalued? And what is connected to these feelings? Does it relate to your childhood or past relationships?
We All Bring Baggage With Us
Try as we might to forget it, our pasts affect us all. Sometimes it is in significant ways. And other times, it sneaks upon us in the smallest of ways.
To continue with the example above, imagine you react very negatively to what you perceive as untidiness when it is actually a childhood wound. If you grew up in a household that always seemed messy, unintentionally, you might be triggered by any little thing out of place.
It has nothing to do with the current situation, but you are reminded of a time when you were not around others who valued tidiness. Even the smallest of things from our past can impact who we end up becoming.
The Feelings Of Childhood Can Be Carried With Us
If your childhood had elements of feeling powerless or unimportant, you carry that with you into adulthood. Even the feeling of having no control over cleanliness as a child can still make you feel that way as an adult. When these feelings get triggered in you by the person you love, it creates a strong emotional reaction. But how can we take this insight and turn it into relational change?
Gentle Awareness
The first step toward healing from childhood wounds is gentle awareness. See if you can spot patterns in how you respond to your partner. Take note of what situations elicit a stronger reaction than what is necessary. Childhood wounds can express themselves in unexpected ways, but mindfulness can help you buffer your response. Let your partner know what’s bothering you and practice emotional regulation when you feel triggered.
Work On It In Therapy
Either individual therapy or couples therapy can open doors for your relationship. In either case, you learn to open up to your partner about why you react the way you do—and why it is so painful of a reminder for you. In this sensitive and vulnerable place, you can receive the love and understanding from your partner that you sought as a child. You can begin to loosen the grip of the past wounds and begin to rewrite your reactions.
Going into conflict repair is another topic left for another blog post. Let’s pause here and reflect on the sensitivities and wounds you bring into a relationship. If it feels like small fights often become big fights, that is a prime sign you are being triggered by actions or behaviors of your partner that aren’t meant to hurt you.
Couples counseling can help you repair and move into a more productive and connected relationship. Contact me to begin.
