Rebuilding Trust after Infidelity
It happened. What you thought never could happen, did. Your partner had an affair.
After infidelity, the person who was hurt may be left with many questions. What did that other person have that I didn’t? How could this happen? Why? When and how did you meet? Where did you go? Did anyone else know about this? And the most hurtful and treacherous of them all, What did you and the affair partner do?
As a couple, you may wonder how you can move on from this. How can you rebuild trust when it has unequivocally broken the relationship? In therapy for couples, most therapists rely on The Gottman Method. It structures affair recovery into three phases. One of the most important phases is the first one.
Phase One: Honesty And Soothing
In this first phase, the unfaithful partner is seeking atonement. It’s the acknowledgment that something wrong was committed. During this phase, the unfaithful partner will tell their story. Focusing on how their partner feels about the story and then answering any questions the other partner may have.
It’s inevitable. The hurt partner may wonder about the sexual details of the affair. But it’s recommended to not discuss this. While there may be very strong emotions tied into this and they may wonder to their core about these details, sharing these details can prevent the healing process from fully working.
Why? Because once the other partner knows these intimate details, they will ruminate in their mind. They’ll imagine and picture the unfaithful sexual nature of the affair. It can lead to a very traumatizing experience that the partner hurt by infidelity may never be able to fully recover from.
It Can Be Painful
There’s no denying it or getting around it. This is a very painful phase. As such, many couples will try to just gloss over this in therapy. It seems counterintuitive to discuss such painful details with an already hurting partner. Why put them through it with such grave detail?
A therapist friend of mine once told me, “Medicine doesn’t always taste good.” And this is the same with therapy; it may not taste good or feel okay at times, especially in the beginning. However, therapy’s point is not to just put a band-aid over something and call it a day. To just mask the gaping hole that was left.
It’s similar to cleansing a wound. The cleansing part can hurt, really awfully. But in order to heal from the wound itself, it must be cleansed and washed. It prevents the infection down the road.
And this logic applies perfectly to phase one of affair recovery. Fully satisfying the hurt partners needs is crucial in order to move to the next phase. The next phase of infidelity recovery is when the partner shares their “Why,” and where the relationship will begin to be strengthened and healed from the inside out.
The Goal Of Phase One
This first phase’s goal is to soothe and heal the hurt partner before they can move on to the other phases of affair recovery. It’s that hard, heart-wrenching piece of affair recovery that can’t be avoided. It can’t be avoided because without soothing of the hurt partner, they’ll never be able to fully engage emotionally again.
For this phase to really lead into the remaining two phases, it needs to be as honest as possible. Honesty and atonement will lay the foundation for rebuilding the bridge in the relationship. If something is withheld but is discovered down the road, this rebuilt bridge of trust could wash away.
—
Learning about affair recovery is not an easy topic and is not meant to scare you away by any means. But you should know that if you want to start healing your relationship, you need to start with cleansing the gaping wound. Couples counseling can help you by providing a safe space for honesty.
If you are ready to begin this journey of rebuilding your relationship, contact me to get started.
