Navigating Conflict Using IFS for Couples
The number of reasons why a couple may seek out therapy is vast. Not to mention, each reason has personal variations on the theme. Fortunately, the treatment approaches are equally as vast. There are countless modalities and far more variations and adaptations. For example, when a couple is experiencing a lot of conflict, they might be guided to internal family systems (IFS) therapy.
With the help of your IFS therapist, you and your partner can begin to recognize how “sub-personalities” are disrupting your inner Self. Put simply, IFS points us to the parts that make up our internal “families,” so to speak. From there, it’s easier for both partners to dissect the sources of their problems.
What Are These “Sub-Personalities”?
Everyone has a deeper Self. It’s the foundation of our personality, e.g., values, beliefs, needs, and wants. Swirling around this Self are parts meant to support the Self. However, in the name of such support, these sub-personalities can make well-meaning but dysfunctional choices. Left unchecked, this trend obscures the Self and leads to external confusion.
The internal sub-personalities are:
Managers: Everyone needs someone with good executive functioning skills. In theory, these are managers, but when stress arrives, they can develop some counterproductive short-term solutions.
Firefighters: When managers fail to put out the fire, the firefighters come in with a mindset of doing whatever it takes to douse the flames. Again, there is some short-term value, but in the end, it just lets problems fester.
Exiles: All the dysfunctions mentioned above can result in painful emotions. Exiles have the job of distracting us from the discomfort. Yet again, it’s a trade-off that allows an issue to go unaddressed.
The deeper Self knows what to do, but its power has been usurped by the sub-parts. IFS takes on the task of re-aligning things so the Self runs the show again. When both partners achieve this goal, it’s fascinating to witness how what once felt like a conflict is now a bump in the road.
Using IFS To Navigate Couples Conflict
Sure, the theory behind IFS may appear unusual initially, but it has a stellar track record of healing and reconciling common relationship issues. Couples report excellent progress when working to deepen trust, handle feelings of emotional and intimacy distance, and handle challenges related to parenting. IFS also helps couples develop more empathy, confidence, and resilience. These results arise from taking steps like:
Honing Communication Skills
Conflict thrives where healthy communication is lacking. In the presence of an IFS therapist, both partners get a chance to reframe their issues through the lens of the parts described above. But this is far from it. Just as importantly, the couple must commit to productive communication. They must interact honestly, respectfully, regularly, and face-to-face. This requires active listening and a pledge to keep evolving.
Role-Playing
This is probably not what you’re assuming. Rather, IFS inspires people not only to identify their own internal parts but also to work to comprehend each other’s sub-personalities. A common method for doing so is having each partner role-play how they perceive their own parts — and their partner’s parts. Having a perception of what’s going on inside is a powerful impetus toward greater empathy and deeper understanding.
Healing Wounds
An invisible but common obstacle for couples is the presence of old wounds. These emotional scars might not even be specific to your relationship, but their existence can see you stuck at one emotional plateau. When you tend to the effects of the past, the present suddenly becomes far more clear and manageable.
IFS therapy offers couples a new way of viewing their challenges, themselves, and each other. Let’s connect and talk soon so I can tell you more.
