How Defensiveness Impacts a Romantic Partnership
There can’t be anything wrong with defending yourself, right? After all, it feels good when we believe we are right and our partner is wrong. At times, we may even feel validated that we didn’t do anything wrong.
As with other things in life, there is a time and place to be on the defensive, for sure. In our society, we are trained to always be on the defensive. Whether that is at school, work, or in our personal friendships and relationships. It is a survival strategy and a safe place for us to operate from, but it doesn’t necessarily serve us well. Or benefit our relationships, for that matter. It ensures our survival, but not the relationship.
But, how exactly does defensiveness impact a relationship?
How Defensiveness Negatively Effects A Relationship
It Limits Our Listening Skills
When we are consumed with defending either being right or that we are not guilty, our brains are busy. If we’re busy defending ourselves, we tend to make a bad listener.
Listening involves more than just being quiet and hearing your partner speak. Are you fully focused on what they are saying? Or is your mind drumming up counterpoints to what they are saying to defend yourself? When you aren’t listening, you are opening yourself up to your partner’s point of view, not just your own.
It Prevents Connection
When we are on the defensive, we are also impacting the emotional connection we have with our partner. Often, when one person is being defensive, the other partner will return in kind. This creates a cycle of never seeing eye-to-eye and agreeing just to agree. In the long-run, this gets you nowhere fast and can weaken the relationship.
You Never Grow If You Don’t Show You’re Wrong
Nobody wants to admit that they are wrong. We are human and this can often be seen as a weakness (but it really isn’t). It actually shows great strength of character to admit when you are wrong. In order to do this, you can’t be defensive.
When you are so defensive, you may be setting yourself up for failure down the road. Not only does defensiveness limit your ability to admit that you are wrong, but it prohibits personal and relationship growth. Defensiveness will block a relationship from ever moving past the mistakes and towards resolution.
Benefits Of Not Being Defensive In A Relationship
When you take a step back and think about why you are being defensive, before you actually are, it can greatly improve your relationship. How can we do this, though?
Begin By Noticing When You Are Being Defensive
If you take a step back and notice that you are being defensive, it will help you and your relationship. If you notice that you are defending yourself just for the sake of being “right,” this is a tell-tale sign you need to pause and think about things a bit more.
What are you defending? Is it to prove you are right? Is it your personal character being called into question?
You’ll Be Considering Your Partner’s Experience
Are they being too critical? Are they expressing something that you are finding hard to hear? Letting go of defensiveness helps you to see your partner’s point of view.
Lines Of Communication Will Be Opened
When we begin to tear the brick walls of defense down, you are letting the flow of communication begin in your relationship.
We don’t realize it when we are in defense mode, but our partner also needs to feel seen, heard, and validated. When we are allowing them to have that opportunity, instead of jumping to defend, we are also giving them space to hear us.
And when both partners are feeling heard by one another, the emotional intimacy and connection in a relationship only grows stronger.
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If you are having trouble connecting with your partner or are having relationship struggles, reach out today so we can help open the lines of communication through couples counseling.
