EFT: Attachment Styles Explained

In recent years, the phrase “attachment styles” has become a popular buzzword on social media. However, just because it is becoming a popular topic doesn’t mean everybody knows what this phrase means.

There are many reasons why someone might be curious about their attachment style or that of their partner. Maybe they have been through many failed relationships and can’t figure out why. Or perhaps their current relationship is struggling, and they can’t seem to rekindle a genuine connection with their partner. Whatever the reasons, learning about attachment styles can be a crucial step for individuals and couples alike. They can even help someone navigate other types of relationships, like family, child, or friendships.

Attachment Theory Explained

First, we’ll start with some foundational knowledge about attachment theory. Attachment theory begins in the earliest stages of our life — infancy. As infants, the only way to communicate our needs is through making noises, crying, or babbling.

Your parents or caregivers, in turn, are responsible for learning our cues and what we are communicating with a cry, a coo, or a laugh. This understanding and subsequent response (or lack thereof) is the foundation of attachment styles. Depending on the relationship with your parent(s) or caregiver, this is where you begin to form your own style of attachment to other people, not only in childhood but well into adulthood as well.

Different Styles of Attachment

There are four main attachment styles: secure, ambivalent/anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure attachment styles are formed when someone’s emotional and physical needs are met growing up. They have a sense of trust and intimacy with their caregivers, which carries over to any future relationships they form throughout their lifetime.

On the other hand, insecure attachment styles occur when somebody’s emotional or physical needs are not met. They may have been met infrequently or sporadically. Or, they may have been met, but only done in the way of basic necessity, without any warmth or love from their caregiver.

Secure Attachment

Individuals with this type of style often develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. Their attachment style to other people is secure, and they feel comfortable expressing their feelings and won’t be afraid to ask others for support. They aren’t afraid to get close to other people, but they are also not afraid to be independent. They essentially value the balance of both.

Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment

Those with this style are hesitant to get close to other people. Growing up, they may have had a very sporadic caregiver with the amount of love they gave to their child. Or, they may have grown up in a household where their caregivers could not be relied on entirely for any emotional needs. This can lead to adults who have an intense fear of other people leaving.

Avoidant Attachment

In early childhood, these individuals likely grew up with parents who were either entirely absent or dismissive. They likely never felt loved or supported by the caregivers in their lives. In turn, as adults, this can lead to individuals being so independent that they don’t see the value of getting emotionally close to another person. To their future partners, they may come across as distant or cold.

Disorganized Attachment

Individuals with this type of style will have a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Due to the chaoticness of their childhood, they likely will be chaotic themselves, often sabotaging their relationships and not communicating well.

EFT and Attachment Styles

If you are struggling in your relationship but aren’t sure why, emotionally focused therapy (EFT) can help. It will teach you about your style and how to work with it to form healthy relationships. Reach out to us to learn more.