Agreements & Consensual Non-Monogamy: Trust in Action
Relationships in our modern world take on many forms. One unique form that is having a breakthrough moment in the zeitgeist is Consensual Non-Monogamy, also known as an open relationship. People feel called to non-monogamy for a variety of reasons. In many ways, these relationships are quite a bit more work than a traditional partnership. By going against the grain, participants in open relationships often find themselves with very little in the way of roadmaps, and called to put a lot of intentionality, communication, care, and radical honesty into the mix.
Setting boundaries and being honest with one another, can provide stability and trust in the relationship. Additionally, it can help connect you with one another on deeper levels.
No matter what stage of a CNM relationship you may be in, you can always benefit from working internally to ensure things last between the two of you. Below, here are some common methods to keep the trust in your relationship alive.
The Importance Of Agreements
Every relationship, whether it is monogamous or not, needs to have clear boundaries set between its people. These boundaries help to ensure that the needs of each partner are not only being met but also being respected.
Setting Clear Boundaries
Not setting clear boundaries can lead to some big issues. Both partners can end up lost in the weeds of hurting and anger with no clear way out. These boundaries help a CNM relationship by setting each other’s expectations — both in terms of the internal relationship as well as any external ones they also hold.
When The Agreements Aren’t Working
Maybe you have gotten to the point where what was previously agreed upon is no longer for working for one of you. What then? What happens if we promised to not do something, yet we broke that promise?
In The State of Affairs, Esther Perel notes that even in the most open and accepting relationships, we gravitate towards the transgressive. But what does that mean, exactly? It means that unfortunately, it is human nature to break the boundaries we set, or not set them at all.
Solving The Disagreement About The Agreement
At one point, the boundaries you set seemed like they would work well. Over time, you may find that is not the case. In CNM relationships, this is extremely common. Because of the fluidity of the relationship, it’s not surprising to hear that the ‘terms’ of the relationship change over time.
The most successful CNM relationships work because they thrive on healthy and skillfully crafted communication. So when you feel like things just aren’t working, open that conversation up. Instead of ruminating and feeling stuck in whatever situation you are not happy with, don’t be afraid to bring it up with your partner.
When A Promise Is Breached
We aren’t perfect and sometimes we slip up. This is true for any type of relationship. If a boundary or promise that was set was broken, you may feel lost. What now? What does this mean for our relationship? For the other relationships we are in?
This can be really tricky to navigate, depending on what happened. As Esther Perel stated, it is human nature to gravitate towards transgressive desires. But how do you keep things going when there was a breach?
First, you should discuss with your partner on why the promise was broken. Is it just because it is an unrealistic expectation? Or, is it stemming from the impulse and stimulation that comes from transgression?
Moving Forward
In either the case of a breach or a disagreement, there are ways to move forward. These always begin with an open and deep (and sometimes hard) conversation with each other.
Sometimes these conversations don’t go as planned and you may feel even worse than you did prior. While it may be tough, couples therapy can help you openly communicate to each other in a safe way. As therapists, we are trained to help couples of all kinds build on their communication skills and realize why the boundaries in the relationship are no longer serving you.
If you are in a CNM relationship and need extra support for issues affecting you and your partner, please reach out to me to get you started back towards the path of a healthy relationship.
