Is it Ever Okay to Go to Bed Angry?
We’ve all heard it. The most common piece of advice to couples is, “Don’t go to bed angry.”
Passed down from generation to generation, this old phrase is taken to heart. In fact, at my own wedding, 95% of the cards written had that phrase written on them. For a while, it made sense. But, as my frame of mind changed through relationship therapy, it really made me think, “Is it ever ok to go to bed angry?”
As therapists, we are trained in a variety of methods to address the problems that couples face. I received training from the Gottman Institute, a research-based approach to couples therapy. The more knowledge I received, the more my own lines of thinking transformed.
Instead of asking if it is okay to go to bed angry, it should be changed to the statement, “Never go to bed flooded.” If you have never heard of flooding, please keep reading to learn more.
What is Flooding?
Flooding is a state that occurs when the nervous system activates during a fight. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors went into fight or flight mode when facing a dangerous situation. Now, our bodies hold on to this feeling even if there is no actual physical threat.
When our bodies are in this mode, we can experience an increase in heart rate, sweaty palms, or flushed cheeks. As you experience flooding, your body basically says, “you need a break,” and does not allow you to be productive.
Not only that, but flooding prevents anything helpful or effective to happen during this emotional state.
How Can This Help With Conflict?
The Gottman method of discussing conflict in relationships also includes flooding. They suggest that, instead of trying to resolve things before bed, you suggest a break. You can say to each other, “I am feeling flooded, can we take a break?” and whether that is for 20 minutes or up until 24 hours, it is fine as long as you both agree to this time away.
You can pick up the discussion after your agreed time of leaving it resolved. How is this better than not going to bed angry? It’s basically the same concept, but, it gives you the time you need to begin the soothing process, or calming down.
Of course, this is easier said than done but, during this time, don’t reflect too much on the fight. Instead, focus on other things like grounding your emotions and state of mind. You can do so by going for a walk, sitting outside, breathing exercises, and meditation. Then, you can then come back to your partner and discuss the conflict.
Taking A Break Can Help Resolve Your Issues
Many couples feel that in order to resolve conflict, it needs to be dealt with immediately. When your emotions are so high and you are “fired up,” you can’t resolve anything in a healthy manner. It is better to put the conflict on pause and walk away. It gives you time to reflect and calm down and will often give you a new perspective.
But, what happens if your argument happens late at night? You can resolve feeling flooded by trying to soothe your nervous system before bed. This will help calm your heart rate and mind, plus allow you to sleep better. You can try to resolve the conflict if you feel calm enough before bed, or agree to continue the conversation in the morning.
Finally, in the morning, you will be in a soothed state, ready to tackle the issue head-on in a productive, effective manner.
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Every couple will face a breakdown in communication and argue. It is an inevitable part of being in a relationship. While it may be tempting to try and resolve the conflict immediately, it is much better to press pause and give yourself space. If you and your partner are having issues resolving conflict, please consider couples counseling and contact the office to get started on a path to healthy communicating.
