5 Proven Strategies to Communicate With an Avoidant Partner
Relationships can seem like a rollercoaster. It’s a ride with as many highs as there are lows. It’s a balancing act to keep the ride smooth and operating. Without one small piece, the whole thing could derail. In relationships, that one small piece is often communication. We hear all the time about how important communication is between partners. But learning how to communicate successfully is something that many couples find challenging.
This is even more true for those who have an avoidant partner. When someone has an avoidant partner, they are more likely to shut down and isolate. They won’t want to speak up about anything and will probably avoid conflict at any cost. They may even want or require more alone time than you think is good. While having an avoidant partner is challenging, there are still ways to communicate with them to have a healthy relationship. Here are a few ways you can communicate with an avoidant partner.
1. Don’t Take It Personally
It’s sometimes hard not to take things personally regarding our partners. After all, surely they are acting this way because of something you did, right? Absolutely not. In many cases, an avoidant partner doesn’t truly realize that they are being distant. There are likely things from their past causing them to put those defenses up. Most of the time, this has nothing to do with you. It’s just part of their personality.
2. Stay Realistic
Who doesn’t want that fairytale romance? The one where one person sweeps the other off their feet, and it ends on a blissful note? There are moments of bliss in every relationship, to be sure. But the reality, for the most part, is never always blissful. Relationships take work and commitment. We all come from different backgrounds and past baggage. No matter who you are dating, you should never expect someone to be who they are not. For avoidant partners, sometimes this means accepting that they are more independent and distant at times. And even if it is something they are actively working to change, don’t expect change overnight.
3. Share Your Goals For The Relationship
We aren’t talking about those Instagram #goals with cute photos of one another. We are discussing the real goals you both want out of your relationships. If they are avoidant, they are likely doing so out of fear of abandonment or trust issues. Both can create an altered mindset of what they expect from a relationship. Be honest with one another. Let them know that when they are ready, they can open up about what causes them to be distant at times. But be honest with them in the meantime about your goals. It will help to build security and trust in your relationship. This can often be the foundation of what your avoidant partner needs to be more open and close to you.
4. Focus On Your Independence
This doesn’t mean you have to become distant from them. However, avoidant partners typically value their alone time and not having someone depend on them for everything. Learn to make time for yourself and to be apart from them. Pick up your own hobbies and interests. It’s healthy for both of you to find time to be apart or do your own thing, anyways.
5. Be Patient With Them
Often, we want results as quickly as possible. However, when you are in a relationship, this logic definitely shouldn’t apply. Relationships are always a work in progress. We, as individuals, are always a work in progress. When you struggle with your avoidant partner, it’s best to give them time. Even when you are in conflict, it’s best not to push them too far and to give them some space.
If you are struggling with your avoidant partner, relationship counseling or couples therapy can help you learn how to manage it. Even if they aren’t willing to come to couples therapy with you, you can learn skills that can help in either case. Let’s connect soon.
